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:iconhavetales-willtell: More from HaveTales-WillTell


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Writing by Nobody-said-so

prose and poetry by msklystron

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October 20, 2006
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My fellow Americans — and Swiss, and Provolone, and even that fellow over there from Tibet:

No more shall we, as the saying goes, stand alone! It is time to let our pressers — I mean, oppressors — know that their rancid regime is about to rind down — excuse me, wind down.

For far too long, we cheeses have been treated as second-class foods. Grains and meats garner all the glory, while we languish half-forgotten in the endmost dairy case. It's no surprise that many of us suffer from low self-esteem! And occasionally, heartburn.

Some people will actually go out of their way to avoid us! What have we done to earn such scorn? We are certainly not ashamed of our history and our heritage as curdled milk. Perhaps there is a subtler, more sinister reason?

(By the way, who let in the representative from Limburg? Somebody, please, open a window!)

Well, no more shall we allow them to string us along; we demand our own thick slice on the pantheon of foods! We are as rich and hearty as any meat, and the variety of textures we offer is matched only by the vegetable kingdom. And we are far more mature than milk (or at the least, less spoiled and better aged), yet just as nourishing.

We hardly claim to be perfect. (No single food is: except perhaps chocolate.) But there's no whey — I mean, way — we're deserving of the rough and gaseous media treatment to which we've been subjected.

So I beseech you, my thousand points of flavor, to spread our message as quickly and thickly as you can! Go forth and tell the people this:

Cast your vote in favor of cheese, and cast a vote against lactose intolerance!

Thank you.

(This message was paid for by FETA: Food for the Ethical Treatment of Aliment, and BRIE: Bringing Reform If Elected.)
:cheese: There are few things cheesier than a paid political announcement. Especially one about cheese. Wouldn't you agree?

(Of course, there's no evidence to support the idea that lactose intolerance would have anything to do with political favoritism. But hey: in this all-too-PC day and age, one can never be absolutely sure. :lol:)

Although this piece was conceived for ~ThePurpleNurple's Another Cheesy Expo, its tone owes much to ~Error732's recent series of Breakfast Stories, with their overarching theme of what might best be described as "plausible surreality."

And I've entered it under Satire rather than Sociopolitical, since it's more about the humor of the scenario than politics itself.

:reading: ~WordCount: 305 words.
Add a Comment:
 
:icontara-e-h:
Tara-E-H Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2014
I love this! This blurb, like any good grilled cheese sandwich, has multiple layers of cheesiness. :D
Reply
:iconkatiejo911:
katiejo911 Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Is this a group?
Reply
:iconhavetales-willtell:
HaveTales-WillTell Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2012  Professional Writer
:? I'm not sure I understand your question. Is what a group?
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:iconkatiejo911:
katiejo911 Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Is "Fighting Intolerance" a group or just a blog?
Reply
:iconhavetales-willtell:
HaveTales-WillTell Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2012  Professional Writer
Oh. Neither.

Fighting Intolerance is this humor deviation's title; it's a pun which plays off the idea of lactose intolerance (the inability to properly digest dairy foods) equating to social intolerance (racism or elitism).

There may well exist a serious sociopolitical blog named Fighting Intolerance; but if so, this satirical piece of social fluff has no deliberate association or connection.

Even the so-called paid political groups are part of the joke; both FETA (which sounds like PETA) and BRIE are themselves the names of types of cheese.

I hope that answers your question; sorry for any confusion. :hmm:
Reply
:iconkatiejo911:
katiejo911 Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Okay, I got the link to that journal through a question about adding a group so it was my confusion. I liked your cheese references. Only the Swiss could find holes in your theory.
Reply
:iconhavetales-willtell:
HaveTales-WillTell Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2012  Professional Writer
:laughing: That's the spirit!

A minor correction, though: Only the Swiss could put holes in that theory. The Swiss are neutral . . . about everything except pH. :cheese:
Reply
:iconkatiejo911:
katiejo911 Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
They SAY they're neutral, but they have Army Knives... :(
Reply
:iconhavetales-willtell:
HaveTales-WillTell Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2012  Professional Writer
:diny: ...which they distribute around the world. Can't get much more neutral than that.
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconkatiejo911:
katiejo911 Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I mean a journal.
Reply
:iconnobody-said-so:
Nobody-said-so Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2010
This was...punny, for lack of a better word.
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:iconhavetales-willtell:
HaveTales-WillTell Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2010  Professional Writer
:fart: And gassy too, perhaps.

At least, it was a gas for me to write. ;p

(Sorry for the late response, btw.)
Reply
:iconmairedvs1:
MaireDVS1 Featured By Owner Apr 1, 2009
i hate my brain...all i can see is a slice of orange yummy goodness on stage standing behind a podium giving a speech to a crowd of cheeses...mmmm...yummy cheese.
'tis good!
Reply
:iconhavetales-willtell:
HaveTales-WillTell Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2009  Professional Writer
:cheese: Mmm, anthropomorphic cheese! :laughing:
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:iconmairedvs1:
MaireDVS1 Featured By Owner Apr 3, 2009
yea, but no faces...oddly enough.
Reply
:iconhavetales-willtell:
HaveTales-WillTell Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2009  Professional Writer
I dunno; I sorta picture the speaker as Winston Curd-chilled... ;p
Reply
:iconmairedvs1:
MaireDVS1 Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2009
oh...that's good...*giggles*
Sorry i don't have a snappy come-back for that.
Reply
:iconhavetales-willtell:
HaveTales-WillTell Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2009  Professional Writer
:D!
Reply
:iconcrimpsonlilly:
crimpsonlilly Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2009
This can be read and interpreted so many ways, it makes my head spin. (This is a good thing.) I see humor, but also more than humor. Am I reading into this too much, or is there an intentional deeper level here?
Reply
:iconhavetales-willtell:
HaveTales-WillTell Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2009  Professional Writer
I always try to keep a spare level in the trunk. (:confused: Or was that a tire iron? I'm always getting the two mixed up....)

In all seriousness, part of what makes humor so funny — at least for me — is that ephemeral 'Aha!' moment. So yes, I always strive to include something more within my jokes: a pun or other wordplay, an alternate interpretation, a passing reference to current (or decades-old) pop culture.

But in fairness, this piece wasn't meant as any sort of deep political commentary; merely an observation about the ridiculousness of the campaign process itself.
Reply
:iconmisericordia:
misericordia Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2008
This is excellent! I loved reading it. It's so witty and cute. =)
Reply
:iconhavetales-willtell:
HaveTales-WillTell Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2008  Professional Writer
Thank you. And also for the :+fav:.
Reply
:iconlobstermagnetcty:
lobstermagnetcty Featured By Owner Apr 4, 2008
Sheer brilliance! :D
Reply
:iconhavetales-willtell:
HaveTales-WillTell Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2009  Professional Writer
:blushes: Aw, gee.
Reply
:iconalbinoshadow:
albinoshadow Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2007  Hobbyist General Artist
This made my day!

Or afternoon at least. :}
Reply
:iconhavetales-willtell:
HaveTales-WillTell Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2007  Professional Writer
And like all the best cheese, may it repeat on you ad infinitum. ;p
Reply
:icondiamondraider:
DiamondRaider Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2007   Writer
:lol: This makes me so happy. I do love cheese. It tastes yummy.

And just so you know, this made me hungry.
Reply
:iconhavetales-willtell:
HaveTales-WillTell Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2007  Professional Writer
:superman: My work here is done.
Reply
:iconmsklystron:
msklystron Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2007  Professional Digital Artist
:) This is rant is pure fromage, aged and not one bit rancid!
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:iconhavetales-willtell:
HaveTales-WillTell Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2007  Professional Writer
Humor—if properly preserved—can have quite a shelf life. Unlike, say, fine gorgonzola.

Thank you for the :+fav:.
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:iconmsklystron:
msklystron Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2007  Professional Digital Artist
Cheesy humour should not go unappreciated! And you're welcome.;)
Reply
:iconpurple-fearie:
Purple-Fearie Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2007   General Artist
This is hilarious!
I love the plays on words and everything!
Reply
:iconhavetales-willtell:
HaveTales-WillTell Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2007  Professional Writer
Wordplay is indeed fun, and few things can be as cheesy as cheese. I'm glad you enjoyed, and thanks for the fave. :cheese:
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:iconpurple-fearie:
Purple-Fearie Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2007   General Artist
np.
Reply
:icontheletterl:
theLetterL Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2006
OMG LMAO

I loved it. I loved the tone of the piece, the second paragraph is awesome, the puns are top notch, and the title is perfect for the poem! Very creative indeed <3 Excellent job.

BTW I love Cheese. It's one of my favorite foods in the world. :)

~theLetterL
Reply
:iconhavetales-willtell:
HaveTales-WillTell Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2006  Professional Writer
Mine as well, though I have to be careful about how much I consume.

Thank you for the kind words. I'm glad this was able to tempt you out of hiding. 8-)
Reply
:iconunaccompanied-me:
Unaccompanied-me Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2006   Writer
:no: wow. I must say it was creative. I know I couldn't have come up with that many terrible puns.:). Anyway, it was certainly good for a laugh or two despite its obvious, shall we say, cheesiness.
Reply
:iconhavetales-willtell:
HaveTales-WillTell Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2006  Professional Writer
But... the cheesiness is the best part!

At least, that's how it oc-curd to me. =p
Reply
:iconunaccompanied-me:
Unaccompanied-me Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2006   Writer
Okay, that's definitely a groaner. And if you reply to this with another dairy-related pun, I WILL refuse to acknowledge it.
Reply
:iconhavetales-willtell:
HaveTales-WillTell Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2006  Professional Writer
:lol:
Reply
:iconsisterstyx:
sisterstyx Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2006  Hobbyist Photographer
holy schmaks! i :heart: :cheese:
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:iconhavetales-willtell:
HaveTales-WillTell Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2006  Professional Writer
Then by all means, check out my humor club for even more cheese. Thanks for stopping by! 8-)
Reply
:iconsisterstyx:
sisterstyx Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2006  Hobbyist Photographer
de rien!
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:iconfurnosaurus:
Furnosaurus Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2006
well they do say that poetry is the 'slice of life'
man I crack myself up.. sometimes I feel my jokes are just too gouda.. but hey if poetry is my mistress and you're in need I'll share her with you now and someday...

we can look back on those good times and remenis about how we cheddar. (shared her)

Too far I know... I apologise in advance...

we shall never speak of it again..
Reply
:iconhavetales-willtell:
HaveTales-WillTell Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2006  Professional Writer
:mib: Or remember it....
Reply
:iconfurnosaurus:
Furnosaurus Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2006
well nobody else said it so ...

well done that was grate... (ehemm, cough cough)

... loved it good stuff
Reply
:iconhavetales-willtell:
HaveTales-WillTell Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2006  Professional Writer
You have thoroughly shredded me with your compliment; I'm... grateful! :D
Reply
:iconenigma26:
Enigma26 Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2006
:lmao: Equal rights for cheese! Excellent.

I wrote a poem about cheese once. 'Tis in my gallery, specifically here, if you're interested. :D
Reply
:iconhavetales-willtell:
HaveTales-WillTell Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2006  Professional Writer
Have you perchance visited my humor club? (If not, there's a convenient link in my sig.)
Reply
:iconenigma26:
Enigma26 Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2006
*is in love and has just joined* :D
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